One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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