he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
