i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
