u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
