Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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