im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Randomize
