could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm really busy with my period
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