the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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