Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
