Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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