Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
