Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
