I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
