i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
