i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
