Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
