don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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