Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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