Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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