Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
