if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
