I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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