Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
