If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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