I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
