I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
