I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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