She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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