I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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