My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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