how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
