He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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