how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
