I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
