I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
