K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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