You smell like a Billy Joel song
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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