I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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