How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
