I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
