Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
