I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
