new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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