eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
