wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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