tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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