I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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