If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
