Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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