I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Houston, we have a blender
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
