so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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