dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Everclear isn't food dammit
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
